Yes, but what is this place?

 

     Ah. Well, have a seat-- I do tend to ramble. You see, back in the summer of 1999, an acquaintance of mine asked me to contribute to the zine he self-published out of Baltimore; I suggested that I could write a movie review column, and he thought that sounded like a good idea. I got to work immediately, but the average zine is a short-lived beast, and this one folded before Iíd had a chance to hand in a single thing that Iíd written. It didnít matter, though. For one thing, my tendency toward obsessive behavior had already taken hold, and for another, I found that I liked reviewing movies almost as much as watching them. There was also another minor benefit, in that I discovered that writing about the movies I watched led me to remember them better later. In short, I was hooked, and I couldnít stop.

     It doesnít make much sense, however, to write a bunch of stuff nobodyís ever going to read. So starting in September or October, I began making Xeroxed copies of my reviews to hand out among my like-minded friends as a sort of roughly biweekly newsletter. Then I discovered the internet. In particular, I discovered the Bad Movie Report and badmovies.org, and I instantly realized that a website was pretty much the ideal medium for what I was doing. That, in turn, meant I would have to learn how to use a computer as something more than a glorified typewriter, and it is the time consumed thereby that mostly explains why this site has been so long in the incubator. (Well, that and my own bone-deep lazinessÖ) But now-- at last-- I am ready. Now, at last, 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting rises like the undead Trash from the mire, eager to go out and sink its fangs into defenseless live brains!

     That doesnít really answer your question, though, does it? No, you asked what this place was. Let me start by saying what 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting is not. This isnít strictly a B-movie site, nor is it strictly a horror movie site, although the great bulk of the movies reviewed here will be B-horror films. My instinct is to say that my business is exploitation movies, but recent years have seen the definition of that term contract to the point that it no longer gets the job done either. So instead, Iíll simply say this: For the most part, if a particular movie played or would have played at a drive-in or an old Times Square grindhouse, you can reasonably expect a review of it to show up here one of these days. If it didnít or wouldnít have, then you probably wonít. There will surely be exceptions, but thatís the rule of thumb around here. You'll also notice that a good many of my reviews seem to treat movies from a few years ago as if they were still in the theaters. There's a very good reason for this, I'll have you know-- those movies were in the theaters when I wrote the reviews. Remember, I had a four-year review backlog on my hands when I started doing this site. Of course, it would have been way too overwhelming (for you and me both) if I had tried to make my debut with all 500-plus reviews in place, so I spent a good nine months or so posting them a few at a time, starting with the oldest and working forward. In those days, I used to update every Sunday and Wednesday night, but now that I've caught up to myself, such a hectic schedule is no longer feasible. Instead, I'll be updating on alternate Sundays for the immediate future, although I may yet discover that I can write fast enough to support a weekly update schedule. We shall see.

     As for the obligatory rating system, mineís a bit unwieldy, but it has served me well. Behold:

El Santoís way-too-fucking-complicated rating system:
***** = Genius-***** = So bad itís genius
****Ĺ = Just short of genius-****Ĺ = So bad itís just short of genius
**** = Excellent-**** = So bad itís excellent
***Ĺ = Very good-***Ĺ = So bad itís very good
*** = Good-*** = So bad itís good
**Ĺ = Pretty good-**Ĺ = So bad itís pretty good
** = Acceptable-** = Bad, but it has its moments (probably not the ones the director intended)
*Ĺ = Pretty bad-*Ĺ = Bad, but with one or two moments of redeeming accidental comedy
* = Bad-* = Might be mildly amusing one time...
Ĺ = Really bad-Ĺ = ...But probably not
0 = Itís like the doctor says in Creepshow: ďThis is going to be extremely painful, Mr. Verrill...Ē

     Itís not as hard as it looks. Most of the time, I stay between one and four stars on the positive scale. There are some movies that just canít be adequately dealt with in that manner, however-- the transcendently good, the transcendently bad, and those that derive the bulk of their entertainment value paradoxically from their striking lack of quality-- and for them, Iíve devised the rest of the system. Again, itís ugly, but it works.

     Finally, before we begin, Iíd like to issue a disclaimer of sorts. Many of the films I review here are most definitely not for kids. Neither are my reviews. If youíre easily offended by foul language or frank discussions of sex and violence, then allow me to suggest that you help keep unnecessary complications out of both of our lives by going someplace else. And if youíre under 18, and your parents are easily offended by that sort of thing, then at least have the sense to clear out your browserís history file when youíre finished. Now, without any further adoÖ

 

 

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All site content (except for those movie posters-- who knows who owns them) (c) 2003-2006 Scott Ashlin.  That means it's mine.  That means you can't have it unless you ask real nice.